a year later

So i gave that presentation on guilt and shame. I had a fever and spend the three previous days shitting and puking my guts out. The presentation lasted about one minute. it was so bad that I still remember how awful it was.. a whole year later.

I guess when I think about the past eighteen months I feel really proud of myself, in a strange way... even better when I start thinking from when I left Horsham Clinic to present.

I watched these two movies recently, before sunrise and before sunset. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, 1994 and 2004. I saw them with Dan back in Senior year of Hs. Seeing them again has really caused me a great deal of discomfort with the way I handled my relationship with dan and how our friendship turned into over dramatic turmoil. Everything became so petty. And now it's been years since we've spoken. I guess I'm supposed to let go of something so old. Supposed to move past everything in high school or whatever, but this is something that I guess I will always think about. Its been about two and a half years since we stopped talking but i still think about him at least a couple of times a week. (though to put it into perspective, I think about everything a million times a week. whatever) Maybe no one moves past the first person they loved. I cant conclude whether or not it would be a positive thing to try and contact him, or if I should just let things be. in the end, i'll do what I want. regardless if it is something i think will have a good outcome or not. The worst that could happen would be that seeing him would be boring and hollow, and as tame as that sounds, thats as bad as it gets. ........... Rereading this, it sounds juvienile, the 'i loved him' and 'should i or shouldn't i?" crap, but ive kind of realized there comes a point where the way we think doesnt change... i mean, i try and pretend that this overzealously considered emotional stuff isnt the primary focus of my life, like, i try and focus on my art and finding a job or going back to school, but this crappy and base interpersonal emotional stuff is really the focus of everything, and for everyone, its just "we all have bigger things to worry about" or something.

i think this is losing focus.

feeling bad

i am researching guilt and shame.
its for a presentation for class
but its something i've been having a hard time dealing with and i cannot every seem to dicipher between the two in my personal activity.

Guilt- the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong esp against moral or penal law, culpability....a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong etc whether real or imagined...feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy; morbit self-reproach often manisfested in marked preoccupation with the moral correctness of one's behavior guilt and uncertainty

Shame- a painful feeling arising from the consciousness of something dishonorable, improper, rediculous, etc, done by oneself or other... disgrace... a painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrasment, unworthiness or disgrace...a painful sensation excited by a consciousness of guilt or impropriety, or having done something which injures reputation, or of the exposure of that which nature or modesty prompts us to conceal

the most prominent thing in all the definitions of guilt that i read, or more, stood out oddly, was that guilt may be 'unreal' in a way, an individual can feel bad without legitimate cause.

the latter definition was always begun by describing shame as something that is painful

also noted was that shame can be felt from the actions of others while guilt always seems to be exculsive to the individual of said action of fault.


since this is for a religion class, i am bringin out the bible.
i was raised catholic and i did not learn about infamous 'catholic guilt' until i was seventeen, one of my middleaged coworkers told me that that was what i was experiencing after i explained some teenage conumdrum to him.

somehow, i really seem to only experience shame, in what i believe to percieve in these words. yet i do hold a sense of guilt for not having guilt in situations where it is appropriate to feel lousy at ones overall behavior. yet, since i have managed to keep some things hidden, i feel no shame in the public eye.

my friends chad and rosie

have blogs.
i am written about in them
so here is my blog.
but tonight
i have nothing i want to say
the end