a year later

So i gave that presentation on guilt and shame. I had a fever and spend the three previous days shitting and puking my guts out. The presentation lasted about one minute. it was so bad that I still remember how awful it was.. a whole year later.

I guess when I think about the past eighteen months I feel really proud of myself, in a strange way... even better when I start thinking from when I left Horsham Clinic to present.

I watched these two movies recently, before sunrise and before sunset. Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy, 1994 and 2004. I saw them with Dan back in Senior year of Hs. Seeing them again has really caused me a great deal of discomfort with the way I handled my relationship with dan and how our friendship turned into over dramatic turmoil. Everything became so petty. And now it's been years since we've spoken. I guess I'm supposed to let go of something so old. Supposed to move past everything in high school or whatever, but this is something that I guess I will always think about. Its been about two and a half years since we stopped talking but i still think about him at least a couple of times a week. (though to put it into perspective, I think about everything a million times a week. whatever) Maybe no one moves past the first person they loved. I cant conclude whether or not it would be a positive thing to try and contact him, or if I should just let things be. in the end, i'll do what I want. regardless if it is something i think will have a good outcome or not. The worst that could happen would be that seeing him would be boring and hollow, and as tame as that sounds, thats as bad as it gets. ........... Rereading this, it sounds juvienile, the 'i loved him' and 'should i or shouldn't i?" crap, but ive kind of realized there comes a point where the way we think doesnt change... i mean, i try and pretend that this overzealously considered emotional stuff isnt the primary focus of my life, like, i try and focus on my art and finding a job or going back to school, but this crappy and base interpersonal emotional stuff is really the focus of everything, and for everyone, its just "we all have bigger things to worry about" or something.

i think this is losing focus.